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Friday, October 28th, 2011
11:24 am


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Saturday, September 5th, 2009
8:50 pm - I like.
Your rainbow is shaded black and violet.


What is says about you: You are a powerful person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You may meet people who are afraid of you. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

current mood: drained

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Monday, August 24th, 2009
10:59 pm - Quick Update
I don't even recall what my last entry was about, but to update quickly:

I am living in Moriarty (rural setting, very much the opposite of where I previously lived) with my fiance and his mom.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to crack up very soon because I keep suppressing the feeling that I'm incredibly unhappy with my current situation.
I went on a research trip to Big Bend National Park last month. It was awesome.
I am scheduled to have my gall bladder removed on 9/11. I cannot wait.
I have daily pain which makes me grumpy a lot of the time.
I'm attempting to read every Stephen King book I own in some weird attempt to maintain my sanity although I don't really know why.
I think my brain is turning to mush.
I miss UNM.

current mood: apathetic

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Monday, May 25th, 2009
11:36 pm
Just a brief update.

So, I have finally graduated from college. Bachelor of Science in Anthropology and Psychology. I am relieved but I know I'm going to begin missing it soon enough.

John and I are moving in with his mom, about 40 miles out of Albuquerque. I'm not thrilled about it, but it will help us a lot with paying off bills (without rent and utilities to worry about) and we can help his mom (who turns 70 next year) take better care of herself and I can help her get her business stuff squared away. My family is really unhappy about it but I think it is the best thing we can do for ourselves and his mom right now.

I am scheduled to have my gall bladder removed July 1st. It turns out all the pain I was experiencing was due to a bunch of gall stones. I have stopped having seriously debilitating pain attacks and instead have an almost constantly painful gall bladder that comes with nausea. I feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I only have to tolerate it for another month. I'm still a little unsure of what the consequences of having my gall bladder removed will have, as my doctors are usually impossible to get a hold of and internet research has turned up very little.

I think John and I are finally going to get married this year. October 13th. Most likely in Las Vegas. By Elvis. I'm really nervous about my family's reaction. They still don't seem to like him, even after almost 7 years.

I have had a sore throat for over 24 hours now. I cannot tell what it causing it exactly, just a lot of drainage in my throat, but I don't know if it's allergies or if I am getting sick. I've never had this with allergies before, so I'm leaning towards sick. Which is just great, as I have packing to do this week.

So tired after a long weekend of painting walls and sanding floors, trying to get our bedroom ready at his mom's 110-year old house. We've been working on it for the past 3-4 weekends. We had to tear up carpet, sub-flooring, repair cracked walls, and all kinds of stuff. It's a lot more work than I was expecting but we're almost done and we can finally start moving stuff out there. I think we're staying in this house until the end of June. We have so much stuff. I am so anxious and stressed about moving. I really do hate the process of moving but I want to begin it as soon as possible so I can feel like we're making some sort of progress.

Exhausted and I need sleep. My gall bladder hurts, my nose is stuffy but continuously draining in my throat causing a horrible sore throat, and I'm hungry but don't think I should eat this late.

current mood: sick

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Sunday, April 19th, 2009
5:50 am - No longer funny.
Just for the record:
I am completely finished with drunk people being in my house.
When I wake up in the middle of the night and discover two people, completely independent of each other, pissing in places that are NOT the toilet, I take issue.
Now granted I yelled at one of them and they only made a small puddle and finished in the bathroom. The other however made a huge puddle. And for whatever reason, after peeing for 30 seconds in the living room, did manage to wander back to the bathroom AFTER peeing. He just stood there for a few seconds and then wandered back to where he was sleeping.
All this after being kicked out of a bar (not my doing at all), having drunk guys fight in my back yard over silly shit, and now inability to use a toilet, I have to say I'm done with huge amounts of alcohol. I am already feeling my hangover even though I stopped drinking 4 hours ago and went to bed 2 hours ago. Now here I am with a headache and piss on my floor in my bedroom and living room. I don't even know how to deal with this. I just threw a bunch of paper towels down and I'm going to make each of them clean them up whenever their beyond drunk asses wake up. I think I'll go for shame and humiliation as means of punishment.

I'm extremely disgruntled.

Edit: Upon rereading this entry, I feel like I'm talking about two dogs that peed in the house. I seriously yelled at the one I caught like he was a dog peeing where he shouldn't. I feel disgusted.

current mood: infuriated

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Thursday, January 29th, 2009
12:26 pm - Major update/Vent session
Well, it's been forever since a proper update and I must confess they only reason I am writing an update is because I'm terribly bored waiting for my next class to begin. Also, I haven't really felt like there was anything for me to write about. There still isn't really, but for the few that do care, just a general info roundup.

I begun my last semester last week. I graduate in May and I really haven't the slightest clue as to what I'm going to do. John's mom has increasingly stepped up her effort to explain her real estate business to me, so while I understand some of it in a very surface way, I feel like I need to learn more so that I have a better idea what she's talking about and what it all ultimately means. So I'm tossing around the idea of taking some real estate classes this fall at the local community college. But of course, my never ending desire to be a student is also pushing me towards finally getting the degree I wimped out on last year. I really want that damn biology degree, because not only does it open way more doors for me than an anthropology degree, I want to prove to myself that I am smart enough to get it and I'm capable of getting it. The only hesitation I have is my family and friend's reactions to going to back to school already and more importantly, not being able to pay for it. I've maxed out my credit hours with UNM, so I would have to petition to get my aid. I don't know how willing they would be to allow yet more aid for a second bachelor degree seeking student who just graduated. I think I may try anyways though, I really lost a lot of respect for myself when I wimped out on going for the biology degree and picked an easier double major of anthropology and psychology.

John's still working up in Los Alamos. He's commuting everyday, which sucks massive amounts. It's 200 miles roundtrip and our gas guzzling Jeep makes it worse. He leaves the house at 4:45am and doesn't get home until 6:00pm. He keeps bringing up moving up there but I am so amazingly hesitant. I don't know how to express to him that hesitation. He cannot relate to my uneasiness with living in a really tiny community away from a major city. I was more willing to consider the idea when I was younger, but the older I get, the less I even consider it an option. But John, being from a rural community, doesn't see or understand how I feel. He's still very set on moving back out where his mom lives, if we don't move up north. I keep imagining getting a home in the city. I don't know how to resolve this conflict between us. We are polar opposites on a lot of things, but this is one of the things I don't know how to compromise on. I just don't know what to do.

My house is such as disaster area. It's so bad that I get anxious when I let myself notice it. We have a really small, like 400-500 sf small place and we have ridiculous amounts of stuff. Every surface is piled high with stuff. We have shelves everywhere, a storage shed in the tiny backyard, stuff stored at John's mom's place, and still have stuff shoved into corners and pushed just out of the way so there's a path to walk. Okay, that last part what a little bit of an exaggeration, but not completely. I just don't know what to do with any of it. Make it into neater piles? Getting another place is not really an option because our rent right now is awesomely low for where we live plus we have so much debt and bills right now that higher rent would seriously kick our asses.

I'm really worried about my brother. He is so lost and confused with what he wants. He has emotional issues that really should be helped by a professional but can't or won't. My parents are not very supportive of therapy. He's going to community college but is so unhappy with it. He hates his classes every semester and doesn't know what he wants regarding a path to pursue. He's in a program that pays for his tuition and books, but they are restrictive of what he takes, so he's limited by them and gets upset about it. He is more and more engaging in stupid behaviors that he fails to see the danger of. And then he comes to me almost everyday looking for answers. Answers to what he should do with his life, what to do about school, his anger issues, his depression issues, and on and on. And I always try my hardest to help him whenever he needs it. Some of the time I don't know what to tell him and I beat myself up because I am unable to help him. I'm always worried about him. I want him to be happy, but I don't know what to tell him to help him get there.

My sleeping habits lately are completely bringing down my health. I wake up in the morning at 4:00am with John to make him a lunch. Then I stay up until 5:00-5:30 and then go back to bed. I have dragged myself out of bed everyday this week with minutes before my first class because I just do not want to get out of bed. I'm so groggy every morning and my body is lacking in energy. I speed walk to school and barely make it to class on time. My body is so tired throughout the day. Then when I finally get home from school, all I want to do is zone out, so I play mindless online games over and over until I go to bed. Then I read a book instead of articles for class until about midnight, when I instantly pass out. Then I do it all over again. I know a couple of things I could do that I thing would make myself feel better, but I'm so unmotivated to change. I think staying awake after John leaves in the morning instead of going back to bed would make a world of difference. Having a breakfast of some sort would help a lot too. John and I have been going to the gym every now and then, but it's very irregularly and I wish it were more often. I feel better after I go.

I think because I'm so anxious/stressed about school, my brother, bills, moving, and everything else, I am becoming more numb and apathetic in response. If I don't spend most of the day in a self-induced fog, I spend days overly emotional and worked up to the point that I can't do anything. I need to break this cycle, but I feel so stuck in it.

current mood: apathetic

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Friday, January 23rd, 2009
10:14 pm

Your Heart is Red and Orange

Your heart is enthusiastic and optimistic.

You are creative, witty, and brilliant.

You bring levity and happiness to relationships.

You're good at loving people for who they are.

I don't know about that optimistic part. Perhaps, deep down and hidden away, I am a little bit.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
11:44 pm - 2008 in Ten Words
Passed shockingly fast but sucked way more than recent years.

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
12:39 pm

Wood type: maple
Length: 11 inches
Core: Phoenix Feather

get your own wand!

Too busy to post a significant entry!

current mood: busy

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Friday, November 7th, 2008
12:46 am
I'm doing better this week. I think a certain amount of stress was caused by the election and considering the tears I shed Tuesday night, I think Obama's win was a great release of tension for me. But a couple of other things were brought to light Tuesday night. Firstly, that I really need to limit my drinking. I don't drink that often anymore (at least not like I used to) but it seriously screws up my stomach and brings out my cruel and unreasonable side. The stomach issue, I believe, was primarily caused by way too much spiced rum consumption in the past year. Well, from late last year to the beginning of this year. I never had heart burn or acid reflux prior to that time period. Now I have to take Prilosec everyday to control it, and that's beginning to lose its effectiveness. Drinking exacerbates it, even just one beer. Just from a health standpoint I should seriously cut back, but for a while there, earlier this year, I wouldn't stop drinking, despite what it was doing to my stomach. I find that odd now because for a very long time, I didn't drink at all, even when everyone around me was drinking all the time. And I was fine with that. But now I feel like I have to drink too or I feel uncomfortable. I think I feel more accepted. It doesn't help that just about everyone I know (other than family) are heavy drinkers.

Another consequence of my drinking is it brings out a really unreasonably cruel streak in me. It's almost always aimed at John. I hate that alcohol does that to me, but there is something in me that feels it is justified. Over the years, John has done and said cruel things to me when drunk and was unapologetic the next day. Always with the same excuse of he couldn't remember what happened. Now that I have begun doing the same and I honestly don't remember most of the time the day after. Yet he recalls what I say and do and holds it against me for a day or two. I hate what we become when we drink too much and how awful we can be to one another, yet I cannot make him understand. He loves to drink too much that he cannot see what it turns us into, allows us to do. But I imagine limiting myself, who's drank for 5 years, may be less challenging, than John, who's drank for more than 10. I don't know where I'm going with this, just thinking in writing.

I woke up Wednesday morning rather hungover. But I was beyond sick and in a great amount of pain. My stomach was arching horribly, I couldn't keep anything in my stomach and my whole body ached like I had been beaten. I skipped class and a lecture I was supposed to go to for more sleep, but I was no better when I woke up. It just got progressively worse as the day went on and I developed a fever in the evening. I took ibuprofen, which would help for an hour or so, then the pain would return. I awoke this morning feeling the same. I forced myself to go to class, but I had to walk slowly everywhere and couldn't finish my small lunch. My stomach isn't as bad as yesterday but it still aches and feels strange. My biggest problem is my back. It is so horribly painful. It hurts to breathe, to move. I don't know what's causing it. Painkillers are not helping. I tried Percocet a little while ago and it briefly helped but it's back now and I must go lay down. I'm actually getting really freaked out by this pain, it's so debilitating. The pain is making me nauseous. I think I may end up staying in bed all day tomorrow. I don't know how much more I can stand.

current mood: sick

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Friday, October 31st, 2008
4:06 pm
Happy Halloween.

I'm so depressed I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I have lost all motivation. I know there are things I need to do; things that I would feel good to accomplish, but I just cannot do them.

I can't look in the mirror. I just get furious. And horribly sad. I know what I could do about it but it's easier to hate myself.

I live in a duplex. My next door neighbor is having a party. I know I should be social and I may even have a good time, but I can't bring myself to actually try.

Getting out of bed in the morning is getting more and more difficult.

I don't know what I want anymore. It's making me increasingly scared about the future. I can't even envision a future anymore, there's just fear.

If I keep going to class and pass, I am graduated in May. I'm scared to death about it. All these years in school and what do I have to show for it? Some pieces of paper. No actual useful experience.

John keeps finding things to be interested in, to keep him busy. I keep losing interest in all the things I used to be excited about. All I do anymore is sleep a lot, watch TV, and eat too much. Or not enough, I keep losing my appetite. I am still going to school but I've lost all interest in my classes. I do the work, but not as well as I know I could. I no longer study for exams. I put off my assignments until the very last moment.

I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I get annoyed when my family wants to see me. I am finding myself more and more hostile towards John when he's around. I feel bad about not wanting to be around him, but I can't control my hostility.

I feel like my depression is suffocating me. Like I can't breathe right.

I feel like there's no point to anything. No point to cooking, it's just making me fatter. No point to putting effort into my appearance, it's basically like putting lipstick on a pig, literally. But it's (I'm) still a pig. No point in trying in my classes, my degrees don't mean anything.

My house is a mess. I know I should clean, but I would rather lay down and stare at the wall or the TV. It's all I ever feel like doing anymore.

current mood: depressed

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Friday, September 26th, 2008
8:57 pm
The debate gave me a headache.

I want a day off from my life.

current mood: crappy

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Thursday, September 11th, 2008
1:27 pm
An Eve Ensler piece on Sarah Palin


Almost overwhelmed with the political lately. Part of me wants to ignore it but I can't.

I am so tired lately. I don't know if I'm very slowly becoming sick or what the deal is. I just want to feel better, but it's hard to do without knowing what is making me feel terrible.

I've been feeling like I've been slowly losing some weight lately. My body shape has altered somewhat and my clothes have been fitting a little better. But the scale tells me I'm heavier than ever and today in particular I feel ridiculously huge. I hope it's just a craptastic day or something.

Two classes down for the day, but two more to go. 5 hours before I can go home. It's difficult to not just walk home right now and to say fuck it. But I cannot, I did that for one class on Tuesday and I still feel bad about it.

I'm feeling extremely hostile towards everyone today. That, along with my feeling enormous (x10) today, is putting me in a horrible mood.

I want to go home.

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, September 4th, 2008
8:58 pm
Sorry, don't have a source but I thought it was too awesome not to post.

current mood: busy

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1:11 pm

Anne Kilkenny is a woman who lived in the town Sarah Palin was mayor of and knows her personally. She brings some perspective to who Sarah Palin is and what kind of person she is. And what kind of leader she is and would be.

I'm not voting for McCain and her anyway, but I like knowing what she's about and how off her (and others) claims are.

current mood: cranky

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10:39 am
"if I was Ken, that would so be my Barbie."

Overheard at the Duck Pond.

I don't think he was trying to be funny.

current mood: amused

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Monday, August 25th, 2008
5:08 pm
I am worn the hell out. I only had one class today but inbetween running around on campus, navigating the bazillions of lost freshman, 90 degree heat, and changing my mind about my schedule, I arrived home dripping with sweat and aching feet. Then I got told by a freshman who inquired if I was a senior that I looked a lot older (thus her question) than most students. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I know I didn't look that great today but it did not help my self-esteem.

I'm finally getting my tattoo worked on again tonight. It's been a least a couple of months since it was worked on. I really want to get it done with so I don't have to keep bugging the tattoo artist about working on my arm.

I think I may have done something stupid with my schedule earlier. I dropped my Latin course in order to take the final class for the Biology core, which I dropped a few semesters ago. The thing is, I need the Latin course (well, a language course) and I don't need the Biology course. But some part of me wants to finish the Biology core classes because I've already done 3 of the 4 and I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I like the lecture portion of the class, but I absolutely hate the lab portion. HATE it. That's going to be my biggest struggle. I've been tossing around the idea of going back to school for a bachelors of science in Biology after I graduate this coming May with a bachelors of science in both Anthropology and Psychology. I'll have the core out of the way after this semester (assuming that I will pass), so I'll be able to take more interesting courses later on. Maybe I'm just stupid because I want to stay in school but am not ready for grad school yet. I'm so confused about what I want. But I guess overall, my decision today was to prove to myself I am smart enough to finish the Bio core.

I am also taking a class this semester where I visit the zoo every Sunday and observe the gorillas. I don't know the details of the class though. It's the last class I need for my Psychology degree. Well, I needed a lab class and this was the one I chose.

The gorilla class, the biology class and 3 300-level anthropology classes this semester. I don't know if I'm taking too much. I keep doubting myself and my ability to handle this courseload. I need to stop my self-doubt.

I need to refill the hummingbird feeder and the bird seed feeder.

My house is messy.

John came home a month ago. I am happy to have him here but he's making a lot less money. It's better than no job though, so I should be grateful for that.

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, July 5th, 2008
12:56 am
John's in Seattle working. I don't know when he's coming home. Nothing seems to be working right since he's left.

I had a miscarriage this week. I'm numb. My empty uterus on the screen while getting an ultrasound was too much.

I just want to crawl into bed and not come out for a long time. Very long time.

My petition for financial aid was approved. That is good. Now I need the semester to start so I can throw myself into that and ignore everything else.

Maybe I'll stay in bed until then.

current mood: numb

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Monday, June 23rd, 2008
12:25 am
RIP George Carlin.

My brother was right. Today is a craptastic day all around.

current mood: cynical

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Sunday, May 18th, 2008
10:44 pm
Just checking in.

Finished the semester with A+, A+, B and an unknown. I'm actually getting annoyed about that class not turning in the grades yet. It should be an A.

Poor as all hell. Super poor. Less than $50 in the bank and no payday in sight. And over $300 in bills due this weekend. Way awesome.

My summer class starts in a few weeks. I want it to start so I have a distraction from the stress of having no money and piles of bills.

John quit his job in late March and hasn't really worked since. He's trying to start a business and I really want to support him, but part of me wishes he chose better timing, as in, a time when we weren't practically up to our eyeballs in debt. I don't know what we're doing. I have been looking for a job but I don't know. I have one I could take, but it requires me to take the bus everyday and I'm not happy about that. I wouldn't mind a job on campus so I could just walk there, but those prospects are not as promising.

I'm just tired and frustrated. I spent all day doing laundry and my house is so messy, cluttered, and dirty that I just can't stand being here and it in fact makes me horribly tense and stressed out to look at all our shit and know that I have no where to put it because this place is so tiny.

Ugh. Hopefully I can sleep through the night without nightmares about insecurity, collectors calling (we haven't gotten any of those, but I remember them calling when I was growing up), bills and money. Those are getting more common and they're really screwing up my sleep cycle.

current mood: distressed

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